I consider myself a sex-positive person. I see no reason why people’s bodies and how they use them in a consensual, sexual way should be policed either by social mores or by law. Salt n’ Pepa said it best, “it’s none of your business!”
Why, then, do I find myself ashamed by my own sexuality?
Anecdote time:
I spent the night at a (insert word for sex-partner here)’s apartment. In the morning he offered me breakfast and I accepted. He opened the door to his room and lo and behold, Roommate A was in the kitchen doing whatever it was she was doing in the kitchen I have no idea because I immediately ducked out of the doorway, back into the room, and out of view.
If I were Roommate A, I probably would have said “Hey, you’re finally awake. I was thinking of making French toast, do you guys want some?” In fact, actual Roommate A was probably thinking something similar. Or, more likely, Roommate A didn’t give a damn.
Why was I so quick to jump to the conclusion that she was judging me? Is it because there’s such a backlash against sex-positivity? Is it because so many people think what other people do with their bodies is their business? Is it because it has been drilled into my head that sex outside of the confines of marriage - or even a committed monogamous relationship between only two partners of opposite sexes and gender expressions - is Wrong?
Our culture is steeped is shame. We’re ashamed of the way our body parts look, we’re ashamed of how our bodies function, we’re ashamed of how our bodies smell, and we’re ashamed of how our bodies move.
But, healthy sexual relationships between two respectful monogamous opposite sex partners is great. Healthy sexual relationships between loving same sex partners in an open relationship is great. Healthy sexual relationships between you and your booty call are great. And on and on!Healthy sexual relationships are great all around!
I know this. I know this and yet panic sets in when someone else inadvertently finds out (or I just assume they know) about my sex life.
I’ve spent too many years hiding my completely natural sexual wants. I’ve spent too many years lying about being sexually active. I’ve spent the greater part of my sexual life being too afraid and uncomfortable to fully express myself. How the hell did I ever enjoy myself? How can you enjoy sex when you’re afraid someone (parental unit, roommate, god) is going to find out and punish you?
Sex can be dirty. But it’s not Dirty. Starting today, I refuse to see my thoughts, my body, and the sex I have as Dirty, Shameful, Wrong, or Sinful. It will be hard to erase these kinds of thoughts that I’ve had since I was taught what sex was but I’m willing to work hard. It’ll be worth it to have a more healthy understanding of myself and my sexuality; I think I’ll have better self-esteem for it, and I think I’ll be a better (insert word for sex-partner here) because of it.
<3L
