Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

My surprisingly boring English lit class this morning suddenly became incredibly interesting when discussing a story by Joyce Carol Oates that was steeped in symbolism about sex. English professors really, really like to talk about sex, I've noticed. But! When discussing how the man "Arnold" is using threats and intimidating the 15 year old female protagonist in order to coerce her into having "sex" with him, a woman in my class decided to throw in her two cents.

She said that Connie - the girl - should have known better because that's what you get.

That's what you get...when? When you hang out with your friends at the mall on the weekends? When you go on dates with boys? That's what you get when a man you see while you're out with your friends decides to stalk you and finds out you're home alone then shows up and attempts to seduce you but even if you consented it's still rape because you're a fifteen year old girl and fifteen year old girls, by law, can't give consent?

Rape isn't something that happens to Bad Girls as a punishment for being "bad." None of the things Connie did were "bad," unless you consider doing normal, everyday things such as going out and having fun "living on the edge." Even if Connie was doing something bad, like heroin - which most everyone would agree is a bad thing to do but does not necessarily make her a bad person (subtle difference!) - she doesn't deserve to be raped.

It's like what people said to me when I tried to open up about my first sexual experience. It was a boy I knew, slightly older than me, who I had been inviting over when my parents weren't home. We talked about Going All The Way and, in conversation, I agreed. He got to my house and I realized I wasn't ready or I didn't really want to or any other reason that I used to say: No I've Changed My Mind.

His response was: "But, I didn't come over for nothing."

It was getting late, my dad would be home soon, I didn't really have a spine, he was bigger than me, older than me, stronger than me, and incredibly manipulative. While I'm still on the fence about what happened as far as I see it, from a definitional standpoint, he assaulted me.

But, "that's what you get," right? That's what you get for wearing provocative clothes, dabbling in drugs and drinking and parties. That's what you get for bringing over a boy when you're parents aren't home. That's what you get for promising sexual activity and then taking consent back, right?

WRONG.

Consent is consent. You either have it or you don't. It doesn't matter what you wear, where you are, who you're with, what you've been drinking, how old you are, how virginal you are, or what state of undress you are in. It doesn't even matter if you've consented to that person before, or that activity before! If someone is not enthusiastically participating in the sexual activity of their own free will, you don't have consent.

To hear someone say that Connie - and by extension, any girl - got what she deserved or got what was coming to her and brought on her own rape sickens me. Unwanted sexual advances, touch, or activity is harassment, assault, and rape. To hear it explained away as "she wanted it," or "what did she expect was going to happen," or "well that's what you get," disturbs me. Take reports of sexual assault seriously! Hold people accountable for their crimes!

This rambling brings me to the point about the bill proposing that there be no federal funding for abortions even in cases of rape and incest. It's basically an argument about what really counts as rape. Kristen Schaal shows us just how ridiculous, degrading, and cruel this bill is:



I realize this post is kind of all over the place and not very well-written. I'll fix it later, I just needed to say this. Too many people think that they are responsible for having been raped by someone else. Too many people think that women and men who are raped bring it upon themselves.

To all survivors of sexual harassment, assault, and rape: Never listen to the people that try to let a rapist off the hook by blaming you for their crimes and moral depravity. It is not your fault. It was never your fault.