I rarely feel insecure about my physical appearance. I haven't been overwhelmingly concerned about being "fat" since I was an insecure junior-high schooler. I shower daily, wear make-up and straighten my hair sometimes, but I don't engage in any other culturally-endorsed rituals of feminine grooming. I don't pluck my eyebrows; I rarely shave my legs and lately, my pits have been growing wild and free as well. I resist buying new clothing even when I need it, when all of my clothes are full of holes and smell funky or have stains. (I love those stains, like the giant pinkish-brown wine stain on my floral-patterned tank top - gives it more character. I even wore it to a successful job interview recently.) I've always sort of internally identified myself as a "punk chick" even though I can't stand most punks or the subculture (and a lot of the music - I hate hardcore, but I like the old-school stuff and, obviously, riot grrrl or feminist or all-lady/female-fronted bands (I guess I'm more interested in listening to women yell and be angry than men, it feels like permission)) so wearing clothes that are disintegrating and neglecting certain aspects of my physical upkeep usually feels acceptable and generally comfortable to me.
But that isn't always the case. Every once in a while, intense insecurities pop up. When this happens, the obvious urge is to spend money - new clothing, new haircuts, chemicals and make-up. I've even considered tanning, which is absurd to me. (Skin cancer for the sake of "beauty"? No thanks, I already have that coming from working on a farm and from inheriting the irresistible urge to just lay in the sun for hours from my father.) I guess I just don't understand how some days I can feel totally hot in a pair of ripped up leggings and a hoodie and boots and other days feel like a disgusting piece of garbage.
I have gained about 15-20 pounds over the past year as well, and because I am constantly working and volunteering, I either have no time or no energy to exercise. I would like to exercise because I want to be strong - I'm sick of the jokes about me being a tiny weak woman, it's just not funny, and when the men around me constantly point it out it's a little scary. I would like to exercise because I think it would help a lot with the chronic fatigue problem I've been dealing with for years. I would like to exercise because I want to be healthy and feel good. But lately I want to exercise because I want to be skinny again. I want to be toned, to have a flat belly instead of a flabby one, to fit my ass into a pair of "skinny jeans" again.
I feel so conflicted because I know that all of my insecurities have been fabricated by a consumerist society in order to get me to purchase products I don't need, that are unhealthy to use, that are over-priced, that rarely do what they promise, that obscure what is natural and unique about me. I know that I would rather spend my time after finishing a 16-hour work day, I don't know, sleeping, than showering and straightening my hair. I know that it is fucked-up to crave male attention and to let that influence the way I present myself. I know that in a patriarchial society, female beauty standards are about obedience and keeping women in their place. I know that I should feel beautiful and secure the way I am. I know that insecurities destroy people, particularly women. I know, I know, I know. But understanding these truths on an intellectual level honestly does not help me. It is a struggle to remember these things when I don't feel comfortable in my own body. It is a struggle to resist the urge to buy out the entire beauty aisle of the grocery store when I am feeling down on myself. It is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that I only feel this way because of pervasive advertising and media strategies to make a profit out of my insecurities and occasional self-loathing and my desire to attract men.
I can't wait for the days when I feel beautiful no matter what to come back again. I eagerly await the return of my strength and my positive body image. But for now, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.
-jen
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